I’m cookin some dinner right now in the crock pot. Actually, in both crock pots, because I have two for some reason. But you’ll hear more on that later.
I’ve been a father for a week now. It has been an enlightening experience, so far. And, perhaps, a bit exhausting. Not so much that I don’t continue to blog on food and such. I still have a bit of free time, since he mostly just sleeps. He demands little of our attention, so far, which will likely change soon.
So in between feedings, burpings, and diaper changes, I can’t help but look at my little bundle and smile so hard that my head hurts. When I think I about it, I realize that Jack is truly an amazing thing. He is a culmination of love between two individuals who care so deeply for each other and want nothing more than to be the best parents possible. He’s such a helpless entity that, in years, will hopefully grow into an endearing and self sustaining man that will make a contribution to society. As young parents, we have so many goals for our little one. So many aspirations of what we hope he will become.
Of course I want the best for him. But what is that? Protection from the world around him? Teaching him selflessness? Should I present every opportunity for him to grab and take hold, or should I let him find those opportunities himself? What if he becomes a person that I didn’t envision him becoming? Ideally, Jack will be strong and handsome, smart, a little bit of a nerd yet still socially integrated, respectful, and a good husband. Hopefully he will certainly be a better man than I. What happens if he isn’t so smart? What will happen if he isn’t strong and handsome? What will I do if he isn’t respectful? What if my son turns out to be a complete asshole?
I have to accept the inevitability that I can’t control everything. All I can do is try to teach him what I think he needs to be taught, and open a few doors for him. It will be up to him to take what he wants and choose whether he wants to walk through those doors or shut them.
In the meantime, I’ll put a bottle in his mouth, wipe his little bum, and smile wide when he opens his eyes and looks into mine.